


It could have been love

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Anal Sex, Dark Alec Lightwood, Dark Jace, Dubious Consent, Hurt, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Oral Sex, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicide, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:35:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21870907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: Valentine is still at war with the Clave, fighting for the upper hand over the Shadow World. Jace Morgenstern lives with his father on his big ship, the Morning Star, supporting his father in his claim for power and always trying to meet his father’s high expectations.It’s Jace 17th birthday, when he receives an unexpected gift…This work is a darker version of my fic “Silent scream for love”.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 25
Kudos: 58
Collections: DL;DR: Shadowhunters Fic





	1. The darkness within

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Silent scream for love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681991) by [Polarnacht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht). 



> Hi there,
> 
> this fic is based in the same setting than „Silent scream for love“, so if the beginning feels familiar that’s why. But it is a way darker version of what will happen when Jace gets his birthday present. This is a real dark story and it will stay dark, also the characters are a darker version of themselves, so make sure to read the tags!

Jace woke up at his 17th birthday not feeling any different from the day before. He knew better than to expect something big, but sometimes Valentine had made him small presents like weapons or books. Jace had always been grateful for anything, being the only teenager on the board of the large ship, the Morning Star, was often a lonely matter and he was always happy to find distraction in books or learning to master a new weapon.

Lately, Valentine had been pleased with Jace’s progress, so Jace was actually hoping for a little something. Jace was often at odds what do think about his fathers’ crusade. He had seen what Downworlders were capable of. He had been to enough Vampire dens to see how they had fed on innocent mundanes and killed them in the process without any signs of empathy or regret. He had never felt reluctant to kill these creatures. Also the werewolves who turned mundanes on purpose – he hadn’t had a single bad night's sleep over killing them. But to kill every single Downworlder even those who played by the rules? He found it too extreme, but he wanted to trust his father. His father had been right in every other matter after all, so maybe he should just trust him there to know it better. When Jace had first learned about the War Valentine was planning against the Clave, against other Shadowhunters, Jace had been strictly against it. Killing half demons like warlocks or other Downworlders was one thing, but going against other Shadowhunters just felt wrong. But than he had seen what the Clave was capable of. He had seen Circle Shadowhunters, who had been captured by the Clave return, tortured into insanity by the right hand of the Clave’s inquisitor, Victor Aldertree. He had seen de-runed Shadowhunters joining the Circle, who had been de-runed just for the fact of being gay. Jace knew he was gay himself and he couldn’t bring himself to think that that was something to be ashamed of. Valentine didn’t care, he gladly took in the former Clave members and runed them again, having found a possibility to do so. There were many more stories like that to have Jace convinced that the Clave was an organization which held on to ancient believes, bending the law to their will to rule over the Shadow World, without really protecting it against outward threats. It was a sick system which needed to be replaced. If some fellow Shadowhunters died in the process – so be it.

Jace sparred against one of his father’s followers when he realized that Valentine was watching him. As always, when his father watched him train, Jace got a bit more brutal, a bit more dirty in his fighting style – something which was not strictly necessary or even acceptable in a sparring fight, but Jace knew that his father liked it and he liked to please his father. So when after a brutal combination of fists and kicks the jaw of this opponent broke, he couldn’t care less. He heard his father applauding and turned with a smirk to him. “Well done my boy, you earned your birthday present now. Don’t you think he did well?” Valentine asked cruelly the man lying on the ground in clear pain. Too afraid to speak against him, the man just replied. “Very well, he is just like his father.”

Excited, Jace followed Valentine to his room. He actually hoped for some new weapons, there was a new form of throwing stars he liked to test – they had a special silver glazing which should work wonders on werewolves and vampires. But it was not a weapon which was waiting in his room. It was a boy, the most beautiful boy Jace had ever seen, to be precise. The boy lay on the floor, barely conscious. He was half naked and his whole upper body was covered in bruises and cuts. His upper lip was bleeding and swollen, from his eye brow small drops of blood were dripping. When he looked up, his eyes blown wide with fear, Jace couldn’t help the burst of arousal which went straight to his cock. The boy had the most beautiful and stunning blue eyes in the whole fucking universe, Jace thought. And the boy was his. At this thought, Jace felt himself harden even more.

Valentine laughed, clearly aware of the impact his present had on Jace. “He is yours, Jonathan. You can do what you want with him, just make sure he stays alive and in your room. If you want him outside he has to stay at your side – and make sure he knows his place” He added with a little smirk. “Have fun, boys” With that, he turned around and left the room.

Jace stood a moment to gather his thoughts. He felt a bit overwhelmed by the situation – and also a bit guilty that he was so turned on by the distressed boy. But he couldn’t help it. He stepped closer to the boy on the ground, taking his chin and forcing him to look at him. He brushed with his thumb over the bruised lip, not too gently but also not too harsh. “I will not hurt you if you do what I want. But I am in charge here. Understood?” As the boy didn’t reply, he tightened his grip so much that it would leave more bruises, causing the other boy to wince. “Understood?” The boy nodded, as far it was possible with the tight grip around his face. But Jace was satisfied.  
“What’s your name?”  
“Alec” the boy replied, knowing better now than to stay silent.  
“Good. I’m Jace. You will never call me Jonathan, that is a name only my father is allowed to use. Otherwise the rules are simple. You will do what I say otherwise I will punish you. But believe me, it would be way more pleasant for the both of us if I don’t have to.” The boy nodded again, lacking the option of doing anything else. He clearly was terrified, Jace could understand that. But he was not sure if he really cared, too excited to have finally someone around his age to spend the time with.

Alec seemed surprised when Jace healed his deeper wounds and mended the broken bones. He left some bruises and the swollen lip however, somehow he liked the look of it. He wondered then what to do with the boy. He definitely knew what he wanted to do, but he was also aware that this was supposedly not the right thing to do. But right or wrong had always been a more abstract concept for Jace. He grew up lonely, first completely alone with his father in the cabin in the woods, later he always had been the only child around. The cruel teaching methods of Valentine were the only ones Jace knew, he had never been taught with love and forgiveness. Later on the Morning Star were mainly adults, so he kept to himself, books a means of refuge. He had read everything he could lay his hands on – historical books, biographies but also mundane books such as fairy tales. The simple distinction between morally good and bad persons as a simple matter of black or white had always astonished him. All he ever had met in real life had been grey. The whole fucking world was different shades of grey, so why bother trying to be good? Jace knew he was not an innocent or pure person. He had done bad things in his life, really bad things. But he also knew that really bad things had been done to him. His father had always been a mystery to him. Valentine was so full of believe to be on the right side, he seemed to miss every contradiction. When he showed Jace the Circle members who had been tortured by the Clave, he had been full of earnest and self-righteous rage - totally blending out the fact that he himself also used torture as means to gather information. Or as a means of teaching his son a lesson, for that matter. The blond remembered too well all the broken bones and whippings he had had to endure as a child, sometimes still had to endure. Jace learned early on that most people preached water but drank whine. To love is to destroy had been the motto of Valentine. But what was left without love? But Jace had learned to live in the grey, making his one rules about right and wrong.

So when he saw the beautiful boy on the floor he wanted so badly, he decided to go with the flow. He wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, Jace had never enjoyed torture or inflicting pain on others. But he would take what he wanted.

Satisfied with the healing progress, he put his Stele away and looked at the boy more closely. Alec was lean but muscular, every muscle defined in his body, a trained warrior just like himself. Jace just loved how his oblique muscles vanished in a tempting triangle shape in the waistband of his trousers. Jace saw Alec blush under his unashamedly gaze, a look which suited him really well. I will make your cheeks flush even more Jace thought. Without a hands-up, he grabbed the others boy hair and yanked his head back before giving him a bruising kiss. He tasted good, Jace stated. He forced Alec’s lips open with his tongue, still holding the boy in place by his firm grip in this hair. He forced him back a little more so that Alec had to tilt his head totally, something Jace enjoyed immensely. He loved being in control. When Alec finally obeyed and opened his lips a little, he took the invitation and explored his mouth. He licked shamelessly into the other’s mouth, teasing Alec’s palate with his tongue and biting down on his lower lip, bruising it the same way than the upper lip already was. When he was done Alec looked already wrecked, eyes blown wide. He still had to look up to Jace, tears tingling in the corner of his eyes from the firm grip of his hair. “Fuck, you look beautiful.” Jace whispered.

“Please, I have never….” Alec’s voice trailed off.  
“Never what?” Jace asked, releasing his grip slightly so that the other could relax a little.  
“I’ve never done anything like that before.”  
Jace looked stunned. Alec must be a bit older than him, so it was really unlikely that he was completely inexperienced.  
“Why?” he asked simply, releasing the boy now completely. He sat down opposite Alec with crossed legs now, looking curious.  
Alec blushed again, as if he was ashamed of his innocence .  
“I never… uh… never wanted it.”  
Jace could clearly tell that Alec was lying, which angered him immensely. “Look”, he hissed. Unless I was not clear before, I am in charge here. You do not lie to me. Ever. Understood?” With that he yanked Alec’s head back again to kiss him in a punishing fashion. “I will teach you everything you need to know. And we can make this the hard way if you keep lying to me or try to fight me or you can have it the easy way. It’s all up to you, Alec, I can live with both.” Jace growled in a warning tone. “You are into boys, arent’t you?” Alec had never admitted that fact really to anyone but himself, he was far too deep in the closet for that and with the pressure of the Clave forbidding homosexuality and his parents lack of understanding it had probably stayed like that forever. But he knew he had to tell the truth now, so he nodded. “Good.” Jace said simply, before he took his shirt and shoes off. “So better let yourself enjoy it, believe me, it will make it a lot easier for you.”

Jace saw the shiver running down the boy’s spine, but he nodded. Good. “Be a good boy and take your pants off.” Jace commanded. Hesitantly, Alec stood up and did as he was told. Jace felt himself grow harder when the boy stripped in front of him. He was so gorgeous. Only that he was a bit taller than him annoyed Jace a little, but there was nothing he could do about that. “Come here,” he ordered. Alec complied shyly. “Please…” he said again, looking at Jace with pleading eyes. Jace couldn’t help but feel annoyed.  
“I thought we agreed to do it the nice way, but if you don’t…” with that he sprang up and pushed Alec on his knees and pressed his face in the ground, forcing him into a completely submissive and vulnerable position with his ass high in the air right at display.  
“No, please, I did what you asked me to” Alec bit his lip, Jace could see blood. He saw the fear in the older boy’s eyes. Technically he was right. And he really did not want to hurt Alec for real. So he let him sit up again, looking pointedly at him. That boy would be the death of him, Jace knew it. “Try to relax” he whispered softly, before leaning in and kissing Alec again. This time the other boy opened his mouth instantly, which Jace pleased immensely. Jace trailed down with his hands, exploring the marvelous body of the other Shadowhunter. He slightly twirled Alec’s nipples, causing him to gasp. Then he caressed the formidable abs with one hand, the others traveled down to his firm ass. He squeezed it harshly. Slowly he took the other boy’s cock in his hand, stroking it lightly. With this thumb he circled the tip, drawing a low moan out of Alec. As he felt him getting hard as well, Jace couldn’t suppress a smirk. Jace was still wearing his pants and he briefly considered leaving them on, but decided against it. When he took them off, his hard cock sprang immediately out. He was really rock hard already. He pushed Alec on his knees, nearly in a gentle movement. “Open your mouth” he ordered. “Try to relax and use your tongue. Never your teeth” he warned before guiding his cock into the opened mouth. He hold the others boy's head in a firm but still gentle grip while he fucked his mouth lightly not going in too deep, giving Alec the possibility to adjust to it. It felt amazing. Alec’s mouth was so hot and wet, Jace moaned with pleasure. Barely able to hold back, he thrusted deeper. He saw the boy’s eyes tear up, but he was pleased that the other seemed to have no real gag reflex. He guided himself deeper, hitting with a especially forceful thrust the back of Alec’s throat, the feeling nearly enough to drive Jace over the edge, pre-cum already dripping from his cock. But he had other plans so he pulled out. “You did so well” he murmured, before kissing Alec roughly on the mouth, tasting himself on the other boy.  
“Get on your hands and knees” Jace ordered. Alec obeyed, but Jace could see the boy’s chest rise and fall quickly with anxious breaths. Soothingly he run his hands down Alec’s spine. He started to massage the muscles on the back, going lower and lower, till his hand reached the boy’s firm ass. He continued the massage not stopping until all muscles were smooth and relaxed. He put two fingers in his mouth and sucked thoroughly on them, before placing them on the tight entrance of the older boy. Gently he teased Alec’s red hole, running his slick fingers in circular motions but without penetrating. A small whimper escaped Alec’s mouth. Jace ran a hand reassuringly over the boy’s back, before he grabbed the tube with Vaseline and lubed his fingers more. Tenderly he pressed one finger in Alec’s inviting hole, feeling the resistance of the tight ring of muscles. He waited for him to adjust, knowing it was the first time for him. Slowly he began to thrust a bit in and out and curving his finger, which draw another moan out of Alec, this time clearly the pain mixed with pleasure. “That’s it”, Jace murmured. He added another finger, feeling Alec tense again, but when his fingers found the older boy’s prostate and started to push against it, he relaxed again. Jace started to scissor Alec out thoroughly, before he added a third finger. It looked amazing how his fingers slid in and out of the beautiful and tight ass. Jace couldn’t wait any longer, he withdrew his fingers and lubed his cock thoroughly, before he slowly pushed in. Alec yelped at the intrusion, Jace’s cock being so much bigger than the three fingers before. It felt so tight and hot, Jace had to hold his breath to not come in an instant. He pushed deeper, not able to withhold a deep moan coming out of his mouth. “Fuck, you feel amazing. But you need to relax” He gave the boy time to adjust to his size, kissing and biting Alec’s beautiful neck and deflect rune, leaving his marks all over the boy’s nape. When he felt the muscles slightly relax, he started to thrust carefully deeper till he bottomed out. Fascinated he watched his cock disappear completely into the tight and firm arse before him, the hole stretched out around his cock. To distract Alec from the burn, Jace wrapped his hands around the boy’s own cock and started to stroke him just in the same rhythm than he slammed into him. He was so fucking aroused, he needed to pick up the pace. He listened to the beautiful noises Alec made, the mixture of pain and clear pleasure turning him on even more. His breathing had become frantic, so had Alec’s. He tightened the grip on Alec’s cock to make him come before him and with one final stroke Alec spilled all over the mattress. A few last, forceful thrusts were enough to bring Jace over the edge too, spending everything he had into Alec’s ass. He withdrew slowly, not wanting to cause Alec more pain. Alec hissed and collapsed onto the bed, rolling himself into a ball. Jace looked at him with a mixture of guilt and wanting. He stood up and fetched a warm cloth, with which he gently cleaned first Alec and then himself. The boy didn’t look at him, silent tears running down his face. Fuck, he hadn’t wanted this, but he had wanted him. Jace was fully aware of what he had done but couldn’t help but want it again.

He lay behind the boy, slowly combing through his hair, trying to sooth him. “Shh, it’s alright. It will get better.” At first Alec stiffened, but when he realized that Jace just wanted to comfort him, he relaxed a little. It was so strange, the hands on him felt nice and comforting. Alec tried to slow his breathing, rubbing away his tears. How could something so horrible feel so good at the same time? He felt Jace behind him getting heavier, clearly the boy was about to drift away. Alec hugged himself, he hated being naked like this. He never slept naked at home, he felt vulnerable like this. As if Jace could pick up his thoughts, he suddenly asked. “Do you need something to sleep in?” When Alec nodded shyly, Jace got up and pulled a t-shirt and sweatpants out of the cupboard, not bothering to get something for himself. “You have to tell me things like that.”  
“And then you just give it to me?”  
Jace nodded. “Yes. If it is feasible. Let’s make some new rules, here Alec. The first is the most important one. No lies. I won’t lie to you and you will not to me. Otherwise I can get very angry. Second, you tell me what you want and if it’s a reasonable thing, like clothing you get it. Third, you don’t fight me.” Alec nodded, what else was there to do for him? When they slipped under the sheets again, Alec felt strangely better, the clothes giving him a sense of security, security which of course was not there but felt anyway.

The next days Alec learned what the life of a captive was like. Jace’s room was near the cells where the other prisoners were held; sometimes he heard the faint screams of the others, screams of pain and agony. Alec couldn’t help but think that he had had kind of luck. Jace was not an evil person, he didn’t take pleasure in hurting him or causing pain on purpose. Yes, he made Alec have sex with him, but he did it with a disturbing mix of tenderness and passion, Alec often felt he would enjoy really much in another setting. Despite everything, he started even to enjoy it under current circumstances, a fact which made him angry and filled him with shame at the same time. But once he allowed himself to admit the joy, it even got better as he relaxed more. When Jace once told him, that it is ok to like it and hate it at the same time, to like and hate Jace at the same time, Alec could only nod. It strangely made perfect sense.

He also got to know Jace better, who was different than he had thought. He was clearly interested in Alec and his opinions, something he was not used to. Besides Izzy, no one ever had cared about what he thought. He was also very thoughtful when it came to Alec’s well being. He gave him food whenever he had some (Alec learned that Jace was sometimes prohibited to eat as a form of punishment, therefore Alec had to starve, too), but he also tried to provide him with entertainment. He brought books and games, allowed him to train with the punching bag. At the beginning Alec had dreaded when Jace had come back to their room, but he soon started to at least partially look forward to it. Alec could not decipher his feelings for Jace. On the one side, he hated him, but he also kind of liked him – maybe because he knew he was completely dependent on him. He knew that outside their room the life of a prisoner was way harder than inside. But maybe he liked him also a little just for the tender side Jace clearly had.

At the beginning he had tried to speak as little as possible, but soon he found himself opening up to Jace. Jace himself was true to his word: he never lied and was sometimes so blunt and honest, Alec was astonished. He learned that Jace didn’t agree with everything Valentine did and what a brutal father he was to Jace. Jace came often to their room with bruises or breaches, inflicted by Valentine or his men to teach Jace a lesson, because Jace had failed in some way. One day, when the signs of a harsh beating were clearly visible, Alec dared to ask Jace if he thought his father loved him at all. Alec had often questioned the love of his parents, their lack of affection often clearly visible. But this extend of corporal punishment surprised even him.

Jace looked at him with surprise. “Of course does my father love me. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t bother punishing me. He just makes me stronger as I am weak. To love is to destroy, he keeps telling me.”  
Alec shook his head, shocked. “You know this is twisted in so many ways, Jace. Love is not destroying. Love doesn’t hurt on purpose, you don’t deserve that.” Jace frowned at him. They were sitting next to each other, their shoulders brushing against one another. Jace looked at Alec, a bit lost, lost for words but also lost for what to think. Alec leaned over to brush slightly over Jace’s lips. He had started to touch the other boy, not being able to help himself sometimes. The need for physical contact too strong, despite everything. “If you really think your father is right, why are you so gentle with me?”  
“Am I, Alec, really?” he raised a questioning eyebrow. “We both know that it is not totally true. I force you to stay here, I force you to have sex with me.”  
“And yet you do everything to not break me into pieces, which you easily could.” Alec didn’t really know why he wanted the other boy to feel comforted, but he did. Alec had seen many layers of Jace personality in their intense time together, he knew that the boy silently screamed for love and affection, but never had gotten it. It didn’t justify what he did to him, but in an odd way Alec got why Jace did it.

After that, they sat in silence for a longtime, before Jace pulled Alec into a deep kiss. The older boy let himself being pulled in, opening his mouth and letting Jace’s tongue in. Alec let himself being pushed back and spread his legs, giving Jace the possibility to settle between his thighs. This was all the invitation Jace needed. He deepened the kiss, grinding down on Alec. He felt both of them getting hard. He smirked, he loved his effect on the other boy. Alec lifted his hips to let Jace pull down his pants, which Jace gladly did, together with his own. They both moaned loudly when their erected cocks met without cloth between them. “Fuck, you feel so good.” Jace murmured, before he captured the lips of his boy in another bruising kiss. He loved to leave marks all over Alec’s body. While sucking at Alec’s neck, he began stroking Alec’s erection, twirling his hand like he knew the other boy liked. As a reward Alec moaned loudly, bucking his hips into Jace’s hand. When Jace started to squeeze his balls in the matching rhythm, Alec didn’t last any longer. He spilled all over them. Not caring about the mess they had made, Jace pushed two fingers into Alec’s mouth, who followed the invitation and sucked at them, like he normally would suck a cock. When Jace was satisfied with the wetness, he withdrew the fingers and sat up to get a better access to Alec’s hole. He lay one of the long legs over his shoulder and eased one finger in the still very tight hole. When he felt the tight ring of muscles relax, he started to finger fuck Alec, quickly adding another finger to it. When he found Alec’s sweet spot he aimed with every thrust of his fingers at it, causing the other to moan and shiver. Satisfied with the preparation, Jace lubed his own cock up and positioned himself at Alec’s entrance. He pushed slowly inside, careful to not hurt Alec. When he bottomed out, he felt Alec’s grip around his waist tighten, pulling him in even more. “Fuck me Jace, now” Alec pleaded. With a smirk Jace followed the command and set an intense rhythm. He nearly pulled out fully before he slammed in again, trying to aim at Alec’s prostate and bury himself even deeper in Alec’s ass. With each thrust he came closer to the edge and exploded finally with a load moan into Alec. Then he collapsed on top of him and buried his face in Alec’s neck, inhaling the scent of the other boy deeply. Finally he rolled to his side, giving Alec more space to breathe. They both were covered in sweat and other things, eventually Jace managed to get up and get warm wet cloth to clean them both. Alec couldn’t deny that he liked the way Jace took care of him.

Jace settled next to Alec, watching him through hooded eyes. Alec knew what was coming, whenever Jace had this look on his face he had been thinking over something.  
“You know, Valentine is not only a mad and cruel man. I know that you want to see him like that, but in many ways he is more progressive than the Clave. Just look at the same sex relationships. Valentine doesn’t care with whom you are, he would never de-rune you for such a thing and weaken the Shadow World by it. His view of Downworlders is disturbing, but frankly the Clave is not much better. I actually think that there have been two turning points in my father’s life. Do you know about the concept of different dimensions?”

Excited, he told Alec about his theory, which was supported by some older books.  
“Besides the world we live in, I believe other dimensions exist, where the same people live in, but in another setting. At some point of time, the timelines split and another dimension is created. For example for Valentine. My grandfather, his father, was killed by a werewolf. If he had survived the attack or maybe had been able to avoid it, I think Valentine would be a different man now. I heard many of his old followers talk how he changed after that incident. He was weary of the Downworld from the beginning, that is true, but the death of his father pushed him over the edge from being reasonable to being a fanatic hater. Another turning point was the betrayal of my dear mother. She and my father’s Parabatai, Luke, cheated on him, she even tried to pass his child as my father’s. Can you imagine being betrayed by the two persons who should love you the most? At the same time? I think that it is why he thinks about love the way he does. That is why he tries to make me stronger – that no one can brake me like he was broken by the whore and his so called Parabatai. So just imagine both incidents would have happened differently, another timeline where he still had his father and his wife, his Parabatai at his side, who could reason with him and soften him. I could have had a family, someone who could have shown me what real love is like. Just imagine who I could be in that other dimension.”

Alec heard the frustration but also the longing in Jace’s voice. He felt really sad, knowing that Jace was right. He had never really had a chance. “Yeah, just think of a dimension where we would have met under different circumstances.” Alec added to lighten up the mood. “Like what?” Jace asked curiously. Alec thought for a moment. “What if your father considered himself not fit to raise a child. So he gives you up for adoption, let’s say when you are ten. Then my parents take you in, as they are the Heads of the Institute and supposed to do something like that. We become best friends, maybe even Parabatai. You will be a second brother to my sister Izzy and we will be an unbeatable trio.” “And then I will fall for you, deep and fast, and we will live happily ever after with a supportive family around us?” Jace added with a smile on his lips. Alec laughed and shook his head, there was no dimension he could picture his parents as supportive parents. But the thought was intriguing.

Both boys loved to play around with the different timelines and universes. It was a means of escape from their cruel reality, and they both knew it – but didn’t care. There was not much else to do on the Morning Star. Jace also loved when Alec told him about Izzy, the sister Jace had always dreamed of. He had a half-sister, his mother had been pregnant with Luke’s daughter when they left Valentine – and Jace. Jace hated his mother with his whole heart. He could forgive Valentine for the torture he put him through, he was able to see the reasons behind it. But what he was not able to forgive was that his mother had abandoned him. He had been an innocent toddler when she left for good, not coming back once for him. He often wondered why. Had he not been worth it, even as a child? Had he been too weak? Too evil? Too much like Valentine? He hated his mother dearly, but was always curious about his half-sister. He sometimes wondered what she would be like, if she would be remotely like Izzy. Alec’s Izzy seemed to be an amazing person and great sister, he was glad Alec had somebody like this at his side. He just wished he had that, too.

Their days passed in a similar routine, when Jace was not on a mission and not training, he spent his time with Alec in his room. Therefore Alec was always glad when he heard the door to his room open, but this time it was different. When Jace entered the room, Alec immediately knew that something was wrong. Jace was covered in blood, from a deep cut on his right cheek small drops of blood were still emerging and falling on Jace’s fighting gear. But this was not was worried Alec. Alec had seen Jace coming home from a fight in various states – still high on adrenaline with a mischievous gleam in the eyes, quiet and pensive after a mission he hadn’t approved of, defeated and with a broken look on his face when something had gone wrong and his father had punished him for it. But he never had come back like that. Calm but tense with eyes full of pity. It made Alec grow cold from the insight, something had happened or was about to happen. Jace locked the door and applied a silencing rune, like he did most days. But something in his controlled movements made Alec’s skin itch, Jace was too calm. He stood with his arms crossed, watching the younger boy carefully. Jace turned to him but avoided direct eye-contact, which added to Alec’s anxiousness.

“We have had a run-in with the Clave today. They ambushed us, but we got the upper hand. There was a girl, long, dark brown hair, brown eyes, a fierce fighter. Around 16. Her weapon was a whip. They called her Isabelle. Does this sound like your Izzy?” Alec felt his whole body going numb. He managed to nod, watching Jace with wide eyes full of fear. This couldn’t be true. Jace stepped closer, the look of pity deepened. He looked Alec straight in the eyes, lifting a hand as to touch Alec’s face but then decided against it. “I’m sorry Alec. She is dead”. Alec made an unrecognizable noise in his throat, before he lunged forward to hit Jace right in the face. He punched him again and again, not stopping when the wound on the blond’s cheek opened again, not stopping when he felt the other boy’s nose break under his fist or when the lips split open. He pushed the blond to the floor, sitting on top of him, ready to strike again. Jace didn’t fight back, he just lay there and looked at him with understanding eyes. “I’m so sorry Alec, I am so sorry.” Alec just sat and looked at him, his brain not fully capable of really taking in what Jace had said, but slowly the rage faded away and made place for something else. Something darker. A feeling of being lost mixed with hatred and grief. It couldn’t be true. Not his baby sister. He felt Jace sit up and wrap his arms around him. He let him, but the usual comfort didn’t come.  
“How did she die Jace?”  
“She is dead, Alec. Why does it matter how she died?” Jace said with a soft voice, clearly not wanting to elaborate it.  
“Because it does. Tell me! Did you kill her? And no lies.” He yanked Jace’s head back, his hand entangled in the blond’s hair, Alec’s voice was more a growl than anything else. He sounded dangerous, not caring what consequences his behavior might bring. Jace hissed lowly in pain, but looked Alec straight in the eyes, letting the older boy handle him as he pleased. “No. I didn’t. And you know I don’t lie. As I said, they tried to ambush us, but not very successfully. We fought and quickly made them retreat. One of their warlocks opened a portal for them and one after the other stepped through. Your sister was fighting like hell, fearless and deadly. But then she slipped. She was one of the last to go through the portal. When she fell, she was only a few steps away. But your people closed the portal anyway, they left her there. Before I could do anything, one of mine had already killed her. I swear Alec, I tried to stop them.” Alec just sat there, stunned. He had let go of Jace hair and looked in the distance, tears burning behind his eyes but not falling. He believed Jace. His own people had left her there to die. They could have waited a little longer to close the portal or turn back to help her, but they had done the opposite. They had doomed Izzy. His little baby sister. What had she been doing there in the first place?  
“Have my parents been there, too?” He asked in a cracked voice.  
“Honestly, I don’t know. I have no idea what they look like. I didn’t realize that the girl was your sister till I realized that she fought with a whip and someone called out her name when she fell. I’m so sorry, Alec.” He rested his forehead against Alec’s, trying to comfort him. But Alec was not ready for that. “Can you please leave me alone for a while, Jace? Please?” He knew it was asked much, Jace must be tired and in pain, especially after the hits Alec had landed on him. And the room was Jace’s only refuge on the ship. But he needed to be alone. Jace nodded, he understood – like he understood Alec’s feelings most of the time. “I’ll clean up a little and then I’m gone.”

Jace left the room as promised, leaving Alec behind in the same position he was in before. He knew that Alec needed this time alone but hated to have to leave him anyway. He applied another silencing rune when he had left, better to not let anyone know what was going on behind closed doors. He was too tired to train, so he went to the library, hoping that no one would be there and he could sit there in peace till he could return to his room.

Alec just sat there, the pain too severe to do anything else. He couldn’t imagine a life without Izzy. She had always been his rock, his solitude. What was worse was the knowledge that their own people had betrayed her. How could they leave her behind like this? Suddenly he felt the rage coming back. His own people had killed his baby sister, they could have sliced her as well with their own hands. You never left someone behind, but apparently the rules had changed. Without thinking he had started to hit the punching back which hang from the ceiling in Jace’s room. He didn’t register his knuckles starting to bleed, he welcomed the pain to distract him from the inner turmoil he was in. He would have gone on forever, if not two strong arms had folded around him and pulled him away. This time, he let it happen and relaxed in the tight embrace, finally allowing the tears to fall. But inside, he still felt cold, he didn’t know if he ever would feel warm again. When his sobs became quieter, Jace turned him gently around.  
“Do you need anything else, Alec?”  
“Fuck me, Jace, please fuck me. Hard.”

Later they lay naked in bed together, Jace had one arm wrapped around Alec in a protective and possessive gesture. Alec couldn’t sleep. He was tired to the bones, but the mercy of sleep didn’t come. He watched Jace, who had a peaceful look on his face, something he rarely had when awake. Alec never knew what to make out of Jace. On the one hand he had this gentle side, always seeming to know what Alec needed and giving it willingly and freely to him. But yet, he held Alec captive and at least at the beginning had forced him to have sex with him. Sometimes he was sure he hated him. Other times not so much. Gently Alec pushed back one strand of hair which had fallen in the blond’s eyes. Jace moved slightly in his sleep. It hit Alec, when he realized that this was the best comfort he would get about the death of his beloved sister. Even if he made it home – was it home without Izzy anyway? – his parents wouldn’t provide him any affection or comfort. They never had. They would expect him to be strong, to revenge her maybe but grief and mourning? That was for the weak. Jace had understood. Without knowing Izzy, he had understood what Alec had lost and tried to comfort him the best way he could. Alec could even imagine that one of his parents had been at the same ambush. And left her behind anyway. If he just would have been there. He would have saved her. He wouldn’t have let her go to such a risky mission in the first place. But he hadn’t been. Because he was a captive at this god-damned ship. His thoughts spiraled darker and darker without being able to stop them. He felt the fury build up again in his stomach, the heat radiating through his whole body. This was all his fault, he was supposed to save Izzy. He was the big brother after all. This was on him – but not on him alone. He looked at the younger boy sleeping peacefully next to him. Without thinking twice he was on top of him, his hands on the boy’s throat, pressing tightly. Jace's eyes flew open in an instant, shock, hurt and betrayal clearly written all over his face. Jace’s hands closed around Alec’s, trying to remove them, trying to loosen them to be able to breathe again. He bucked his hips and his back, trying to throw Alec off of him. But Alec was strong, the grief and anger strengthened him. So he just pressed harder, his hands tightly around the blond’s throat. Jace could feel his body stopping to follow his commands, he started to see red and black dots before his eyelids. He desperately fought for air, but Alec pressed on mercilessly. Just before he passed out, he suddenly could breathe again. Alec had let go. Alec just sat back on his heels, staring at him with wide eyes. Jace lungs filled with oxygen again, each breath burning like hell, but Jace couldn’t remember a time he had welcomed pain as much as right now. When he felt life returning to him, he sat up, also just staring at the other boy. He shook his head in disbelief, not being able to contemplate what just had happened. He had really wanted to kill me, Jace thought. Without saying anything, he stood up, put some clothes on and left the room, not once looking back.

Alec was shocked, to say the least. He hadn’t planned on doing it, but it had felt so good at the beginning. Finally he had had all the power, he had been able to control the situation. He didn’t really know what had made him do it, as well as he didn’t really know what had made him stop. But he was glad he stopped.

Jace didn’t return the whole rest of the night and the day after. Alec couldn’t bring himself to feel nervous, to say the truth he didn’t feel much at all. Something had broken in him that night, he knew it. Something which couldn’t be fixed. When Jace returned, his face was expressionless. It was already late evening, Alec hadn’t eaten the whole day, but was also not hungry, so he didn’t mind as he realized that Jace hadn’t brought him anything like he usually did. Jace ignored him. Alec had expected for him to be furious or angry, maybe even sad – but not so emotionless. Jace just went to the bathroom, closing the door without once glancing at him. When Jace emerged the shower and stepped into the room again, he held cuffs and a metal chain in his hands. “Get on the floor” he ordered in a neutral voice.

Alec obliged. Jace nudged him closer to the bed, cuffed him and secured the chain to the bedpost. Without saying another word, he climbed into the bed and slipped under the cover. Alec lay on the floor, it was an uncomfortable position, but it would have to do. He didn’t see Jace, he just heard his seemingly unfazed, even breathes. What he didn’t see was the ball Jace had himself curled into, hugging himself tightly as to seek comfort in his own embrace. Alec didn’t know what to think. To be honest, he could have lived better with rage or punishment, the clear indifference made him feel insecure. What would happen? Did he care? He didn’t know.

Alec woke up to Jace’s screams. Jace had had nightmares from time to time, lately they had become less frequent. When Alec had felt Jace tossing around in his sleep, it had been enough to wrap him in his arms and whisper some soothing words to calm him, but this time of course Alec was not sleeping next to him. And Alec supposed with a pang of guilt, that having nearly been strangled to death in one’s sleep didn’t help with nightmares. When fully awake, Jace ran to the bathroom, throwing up in the sink. Alec could see the dark marks around his neck, marks he had given him. He wanted to say something, but before he could utter a word, Jace had already thrown on clothes and left the room. Again, without looking at him or saying anything.

It was uncomfortable as hell having to sit on the floor, chained to the post, his whole body was aching. But he deserved it, he knew that much. Jace didn’t come back till the evening, like the day before. Again he had no food with him. Jace was stressed out, Alec could tell as much. There was a tension around his composure which meant nothing good. For a moment he seemed surprised to find Alec in the position still chained to the floor, but he regained himself and stepped closer. He opened the cuffs, but again not speaking to him. Alec was grateful – he really had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, he found Jace sitting on the bed, not facing him. He really was unsure what to do know. They somehow had to speak about what had happened, what he had done. He should apologize or something. Again, before he could break the silence, a knock on the door disturbed them. Alec shrunk back, sliding down the wall into a sitting position. Better not to display himself too much in front of others. Someone knocked again. “Jace. Can I come in for a second?” A voice Alec didn’t know spoke. Jace stood up and opened the door. A maybe 50-year-old Shadowhunter entered the room, his face full of scars, but not unpleasantly looking. He looked at Jace with affection in his eyes. He held some bread and cheese in his hands, offering it to Jace. When he didn’t take it, he placed it on the only table in the room. “It is not fair of Valentine to blame you for all of it. It was not your fault. You are just a kid, Jace. You cannot save the world for us. I brought you something to eat, I know Valentine starves you. But this is not right. You don’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve the beating as well.” The voice of the older man was gentle, something Alec surprised. He didn’t know what the man was talking about. Before yesterday, Jace would have told him, he realized. Jace nodded, grateful. “Thanks Nathan. Better not let Valentine know what you think.” They stood in silence for a moment, before Nathan registered Alec, who was sitting very still, just watching them closely. “Look at you. No wonder you keep him to yourself, Jace. He is gorgeous. And he still blushes, after all that time with you in here. He is adorable.” Nathan said with a smirk. “If you ever get tired of him – you know where to find me.” Jace shook his head and said firmly, with a warning undertone in his voice: “He is mine, Nathan. Don’t ever touch him.” After a small pause he added, to take the spike out of what he just had said: “But if he ever tires me, I will think of you. Thank you, Nathan, for everything.”

Jace closed the door behind Nathan, gesturing at the bread and cheese. “You can eat as much as you want.” He turned around, strolling over to the punching bag, not touching the food himself.  
“Jace, I’m…” Alec’s voice trailed off, not sure what to say. I’m sorry for almost killing you in your sleep? Didn’t sound right, but he felt sorry. Jace turned around, a deadly expression on his face, he looked like a predator.

“What are you, Alec, sorry? For fucking nearly killing me? Are you sorry because you actually are or because you realized what I can do listening to my little chat with dear Nathan?” Alec had never really thought about the fact that Jace could turn his back on him, even after his attack. He considered it for a moment, but he truly believed Jace would do no such thing.  
“I know you wouldn’t. But I am sorry.” He looked at Jace, but the blond avoided his eyes again, the sudden rage as quickly gone as it had surfaced. Only a bone-deep tiredness and sadness was now visible on the beautiful blond’s face.”  
“No, Alec, I am sorry. I am sorry that I misread all this.” He gestured between them. “I really thought… forget it. I am pathetic. And weak. Just like my father always says I am.”

With that he turned back to the punching bag and started to hit it, with the same fever Alec had done a few nights back. Like Alec, he hadn’t bothered with protecting his hands, his knuckles soon started to bleed. Alec watched in silence the merciless pace with which Jace punched the bag. He saw his shirt getting soaked in sweat and blood – the wounds who lay beneath it reopening due to the violence with which Jace’s body moved. Like Alec, Jace didn’t stop until he felt strong arms around his upper body. He hissed in pain at the contact of his open cuts, but let himself be pressed against the taller boy’s chest anyway. After a few seconds he relaxed into the grip, even resting his head against Alec’s shoulder, baring his throat. Alec drew in a sharp breath, not having expected such a trustful and even slightly submissive pose. Alec kissed the nape of the neck, caressing the sensitive skin there with his tongue, trying to undo the brutal marks he had left there. Between the tender kisses he whispered in Jace’s ears “You are not weak. You are just not your father, and that is a good thing. You are you. And I truly am sorry. I never really meant to kill you. It’s just, I got so angry…” Jace turned around, this time looking straight in Alec’s eyes. “Just be careful. Don’t let yourself go too dark. The descend into hell is easy, Alec, it’s the way up which is hard. Believe me, I must know.”  
“I don’t think there is a way back.”  
“You are probably right.” Jace replied before catching Alec’s lips in a desperate kiss.

After that, they turned more or less back to normal – or what you could call normal in these circumstances. Alec was still lost in his grief for Izzy, a feeling he had no idea how to handle. No one ever had taught him how to mourn properly in a healthy way. Jace tried his best to comfort him, but Alec could tell that there was a weariness between them which hadn’t been there before, and of course he could not blame Jace for it.

The war against the Clave raged harder than ever before, therefore Jace was put under more and more stress. He barely had time to catch his breath before a new mission, a new task from Valentine came. Alec often spent the nights alone now in the room.

Alec had been barely asleep, when he was wakened by screams and fighting noises. He sprang out of the bed, quickly getting dressed. He tried to find out what was going on, there was clearly something going on outside. It sounded like an invasion. He desperately looked around for something he could use as a weapon, but found nothing useful. His senses were on high alert. Suddenly the door burst open and Jace appeared, a bloody blade in hand. Without saying anything, he hold out his hand, gesturing Alec to follow. Together they ran out of the room, deeper into the body of the ship. “What are you doing, Jace?”  
“It’s not safe for you in my room. The Clave invaded our ship, they outnumbered us. We will soon evacuate, I don’t think we stand a chance. There are just too many of your people. But I don’t think it is wise for you to stay in my room. When they find you there, unharmed… they might jump to the wrong conclusion. And if someone form my side enters – I also don’t know what will happen. Don’t tell anybody what really happened, Alec. Tell them you were imprisoned down here and managed to overthrow a guard.” Suddenly they were down in the dungeons of the ship. A guard stood there but didn’t pay them any attention, as he had recognized Jace. Without any sign of hesitation, Jace cut the man’s throat. He took the weapons from him and offered them to Alec. “I’m sorry Alec but we have to add a few things to the story to make it more believable.” He hit Alec hard in the face. Alec could taste blood and spat it out. He knew what Jace had in mind. He had seen enough to know that it was better the Clave believed he had been tortured and imprisoned like the rest. He steeled himself for the next blows. Jace was good, he hit the strategic points which would leave good marks without causing real damage. After he was satisfied, he looked at Alec, a mixture between sadness and fondness. “I think that is goodbye. Don’t get killed, Alec.” He grabbed the taller boy’s face for the last time and kissed him roughly. Then he turned around and vanished. Alec followed after a few minutes, his new weapons in a firm grip, ready to fight any Circle member who would dare cross his paths.


	2. I find peace in yor violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the final chapter - I'm warning you, it will stay dark!
> 
> The chapter title is from Marsmello's song "Silence".

6 months later

Returning home had not been easy for Alec. Without Izzy, it didn’t feel like home at all. He missed her dearly – and as he had suspected, there was no place for his grief. His parents were as emotionless as ever. He missed the warmth and understanding his sister had always provided. He missed someone to talk to, especially about his mixed feelings towards Jace. He had been relieved that apparently Jace had made it through the portal with the rest of Valentine’s gang. But he also felt the anger and hatred return he often had felt during his time on the ship. Jace had raped him, no matter how caring he had been. He had taken something from him that he could never get back. But he had also shown him a world where it was ok to be like he was. Alec desperately needed someone to turn to, to talk about what had happened and about his feelings, but there was simply no one he could trust enough.

His parents forced him to watch a de-runing ceremony for another Shadowhunter who had been caught with another man. Alec was not sure if his parents forced him to watch because he was supposed to be the next leader of the Institute and therefore in future in charge of de-runings, or if they suspected what had happened at the Morning Star – but he also didn’t really care. They made a point, clearly showing him that they would never understand or respect this side of him. So Alec closed off, bottling up his mixed feelings of longing, liking and hate.

The Clave had gained the upper hand in the war against Valentine after they had been able to raid the Morning Star. Valentine was not defeated yet – but the odds seemed in the favor of the Clave. After a spectacular attack against a strong hold of the Circle, they had been able to capture his son, Jonathan Morgenstern. The New York Institute was proud to have taken him into custody. The Ops Center was crowded with Shadowhunters, everybody wanted to see the captive. When the portal finally opened, the room fell silent. Jace was surrounded by five Shadowhunters, his hands and feet bound so he could barely move. His face was a bloody mess, the nose broken, one eye swollen and his upper lip showed a nasty cut. The crowd cheered as he was dragged through the room. Nevertheless, his eyes stared back at New York without any sign of defiance, his composure proud and arrogant. Alec couldn’t help but admire Jace for that attitude. He remained silent, not sure what to feel about seeing him again. He hated Jace for what he had done to him. For each time he had forced him to have sex with him, for each pain he had to endure during his time on the Morning Star, for Izzy’s death. Maybe he even hated Jace more for all the times he showed tenderness and care, for the times he had pleasured him; for sure he hated him for saving his life. He hated him a little more for understanding him, better than his parents or anyone else ever had. But in the back of his mind, there was also a small part of Alec who longed for him, his touch, his kisses, his kindness, his heat which had melted the ice around Alec’s heart. And this Alec hated the most.

Alec didn’t cheer with the others, he stood there in a broody silence, glaring at the boy. Jace didn’t seem to notice him or didn’t care to acknowledge. Alec could feel his anger boil up in his body. He gritted his teeth so hard it hurt.

Jace was brought to the cells in the basement. They had prepared a special cell for him with extra protection and no comfort at all. There was no bed, no chair, no blanket nothing but the cold stone floor. His guards laughed when they threw him in, thanks to his shackles he had no chance but fall face-down to the ground. He stifled a groan, not willing to let them know that they had hurt him. He might be a captive, but they would not brake him, Jace promised to himself. The guards didn’t bother to release him from his cuffs, so he just lay on the ground, feeling his body go limp, waiting for the rest to come.

It came in the form of Victor Aldertree. Jace already knew his name, he had seen what the man was capable of. Aldertree was the right hand of the Inquisitor, assigned to the most important cases to gather information. He was a very skilled torturer, he knew exactly how to inflict the pain that it hurt the most but still leaving the victim conscious. He knew every rune to make people stay awake and every rune to anguish. But he preferred to do the work himself. He enjoyed cutting his victims, beating them, branding them. Jace had seen people who had endured his methods – none of them had been the same afterwards. He had to admit, he was scared.

Aldertree took his time with Jace. First, he activated Jace’s stamina rune and then he let Jace strip naked – more for the boys discomfort and humiliation than for his sake, Aldertree took his pleasure from causing pain, real pain, not a naked body. Several torturing devices lay on display, Jace couldn’t help his eyes flicker over them, which Aldertree observed with a cruel smile on his face. He strapped Jace down in a special metal chair with broad armrests. The rests and the shackles were spiked with small dorns which bit into Jace’s flash. He was secured by his ankles, his wrists and at the end Aldertree placed a collar around his neck, tightly securing it at the back of the chair so that Jace couldn’t move an inch. He could only see what in his direct field of vision was, which made Jace extremely uncomfortable. He liked it better when he could see what was going on. He was honestly a bit surprised when Aldertree returned from the table with only a long knife, a scalpel and something which looked like an ordinary pliers in his hands. Could be worse, Jace thought.

With a false smile Aldertree sat before Jace, running the scalpel over Jace's exposed body. Jace shivered, not able to refrain from the contact. Aldertree drew a zigzag pattern over his upper body, not cutting too deep but enough to spill blood. The pain was manageable so far. Slowly he went higher to Jace’s collarbone and with a nearly caressing movement he went over the blond’s Adam’s apple. Jace hold very still, trying not to gulp. The gentleness of the scalpel made him even more anxious than the cutting before. He went higher, now with more pressure to the scalpel. The scalpel cut his skin like butter. Jace tried his best to not show the pain and fear he was in, he bit down so hard he could taste his own blood. With a smirk Aldertree cut Jace’s face open even more. Here a slight cut, there another – probably most could be fixed with an Iratze. Above Jace’s right eyebrow he made an especially nasty slash. Jace could feel blood dripping in his eye, not being able to remove it. It just ran in a small, steady stream in his eye and over his face. Then he went to Jace’s back. Jace expected him to continue with the cutting, but this time he took the long-bladed knife and slammed it in one quick move between Jace’s shoulder blades – this time Jace could only scream in agony. The knife was buried to the hilt in his sensitive flash. Aldertree knew what he was doing, he hadn’t injured a vital organ or anything else crucial. Satisfied with his work, he turned back to Jace’s front. He hit him so hard in the face that if Jace’s head had not been tightly secured by the collar, his head would have flown back violently. But all tiny movements made the knife in his back go in a bit deeper and twist around, adding additional pain to the already high level. Jace’s hands were balled into fists, trying to gather all the strength he had. Aldertree was far from done. He took one of Jace’s fists and forced him to open his hands. Then he took the pliers. Jace eyes widened in shock, suddenly aware of what the pliers was for. Aldertree looked Jace directly in the eyes when he placed the pliers on his thumbnail and removed it with one brutal yank. Jace didn’t recognize his own voice, so full of pain and agony were his screams. Aldertree went to his other hand. This time, for the first time at all, he asked a question “Where is Valentine?”, but without waiting for an answer he pulled out the nail of Jace’s other thumb. Jace could only scream.

Jace was not able to speak, he just shook his head. “Very well, I nearly hoped for this answer.” To Jace’s surprise, he was freed from his vessels and the chair, only the collar remained in place. Probably Aldertree liked the look of it, Jace suspected. Jace's hands were bound again, very tightly behind his back. Aldertree then secured a chain on his wrists, which was attached to something similar to a gallows. Jace felt himself lifted high in the air, his wrists pulling his body painfully away from the ground. He hang there, his arms stretched over his head in an excruciating manner. Jace didn’t see Aldertree when the whipping started, but he heard each harsh lash from the whip before it hit his already abused flesh. He felt more blood running down his body, he heard himself scream without fully being aware that it really was him who screamed like that. As sudden as it had started, it ended – and Jace felt himself fall. The fall was abruptly interrupted by the chain, just before Jace hit the floor, a flash of agony rushing through Jace’s body as his arms were yanked back. Jace was sure that something in his shoulders had ripped apart. Aldertree just smiled. “Make yourself comfortable, we are just getting started Jonathan.”

Jace was no foreigner to pain, having been brought up by Valentine and his rough methods. But the level of pain which Aldertree inflicted on him exceeded everything he had experienced before. At the end of the first session with him, Jace couldn’t even scream any more, his vocal cords too strained from the overuse of them. The next day it started again.

They raped him, too. Not Aldertree, but the guards took their turns with him – something he had expected, and therefore it didn’t come as a surprise. He knew he could endure it, it had not been the first time for Jace to experience that. But the torture was worse than he had thought. Maybe – but just maybe – if he had known the answer to any of their questions – Where is Valentine, what are his next steps, who is supporting him inside the Clave– he might have told them. Not after the first session, but after a couple of them. But he didn’t know anything, so after a while he just kept silent. Aldertree never believed any of his affirmations that he knew nothing. He was Valentine’s son, so he had to know something, and Aldertree went on with the torture, finding new ways to cause Jace pain and turmoil over and over again. At the end of each session Aldertree healed Jace enough to keep him going for the next day.

Jace was glad when he heard that his trial was being held soon, finally they had accepted that he would or could say nothing. He knew that most likely he would be sentenced to death, but Jace was beyond caring. The trial was short – the inevitable death sentence spoken. But as Jace was only 17, the death sentence couldn’t be executed right away. With 17 you were considered to be underage, a child – and only adults could be killed in the name of the law. Jace just laughed as he heard that – too young to die, but old enough to be tortured.

After the trial the torture became less frequently. From time to time he was still brought to Aldertree, but Jace suspected only for the older man’s pleasure and not for the hope of getting real information.

Jace lay on the cold floor, curled into a ball, trying to recover from his last session with Aldertree when he heard the door opening. He looked up to see who it was – Aldertree or one of the men who liked to fuck him – but to his surprise it was someone else. “Alec” he said with a hoarse voice, his cords still not back to normal.

Alec closed the door firmly and then just stood there. He had wanted to see Jace for a long time but had always refrained the motion. What good could come out of it? None. But here he was anyway. He found Jace’s curious mismatched eyes on him – no sign of shame or regret for what Jace had done to him. Of course not. He felt the same anger in his blood he had felt the night he had nearly strangled Jace to death. With one step he was close to the blond, hitting him hard in the face. Jace head flew back, hitting the wall violently, he hadn’t expected that. Another punch hit him, before he was forced to his feet by Alec’s hand, entangled in his hair. The brutal grip forced him to stand upright and look Alec directly into the eyes. Jace kept silent. Both boys stared at each other, one with a sad expression in his face, the other full of anger and fury.

“Strip and turn around to the wall.” Alec commanded. Jace closed his eyes for a second before looking pleadingly at Alec. But he complied. When he was naked he tried to lock eyes with Alec again, but the older boy didn’t look at him, he just looked through him as he was not really there. “Alec, please don’t do that to…” Before he could finish the sentence, he was hit again, his lip cracked open. “It’s not so funny when you are on the receiving end, is it, Jace?” Alec hissed.  
“I didn’t beg for me, Alec. I did it for you. Please. If you do this, there is no coming back from it. Don’t do this to you.”  
Without another word, Alec forced Jace to turn around and pushed him against the wall, kicking his knees apart. He panted heavily. Jace heard the unbuckling of a belt and braced himself for what was to come. Jace felt his cheeks torn apart brutally and without any warning or any preparation, Alec slammed into Jace. Jace yelped in pain, but bit his lip till he tasted blood, to remain silent after this first sign of weakness. He had done this before, he told himself, he would survive it another time. He tried to get to his quiet, happy place, what he always did in these situations. But Jace had to realize that it was way harder to get his mind into the state of non-caring when his happy place was fucking him from behind without mercy.

Alec grabbed Jace by his hair, forcing him to arch his back even more, to give Alec an even better angle to thrust into him. For a moment Jace thought that Alec would smash his head against the stone wall, but he didn’t. Jace could feel the bruises build on his hips, were Alec hold him forcefully so that he couldn’t move away. It hurt, in a completely different way than the way Aldertree or the other men had hurt him. He understood why Alec was doing it and he thought he deserved it, still it hurt. When Alec finished he just turned around, leaving the cell without looking once at Jace. With a sigh Jace tried to clean himself up a little, blood and cum running down his thighs. When he realized the fruitlessness of his attempts, he just pulled his pants on and curled into a ball again, trying to remember a time where the beautiful blue eyes had looked at him with a warm expression in it.

The day after Alec came again. He pushed Jace again against the wall, this time not even caring to strip him naked. He just pulled the blond’s trousers down before slamming into him. Jace rested his face against the cold wall, not caring that with every brutal thrust of Alec his cheek was rubbed against the rough surface, scratching him and leaving a bloody trail on the wall. Jace felt Alec pulling out and leaving, just like the last time. Jace really had hoped that after the first brutal attack Alec would have come to his senses. But apparently Jace had to face the harsh reality, this time there was no coming back. Jace felt guilty. He knew why Alec acted like this, it was payback for his time on the ship and somehow payback for all the other things Alec had had to endure without the power to change them: Izzy’s death, his shitty parents, the whole world. He knew he deserved it, but nevertheless he had hoped for the other boy to remember that Alec had liked him, too. Because he really liked Alec, he knew that much, even after all what had happened between them – in the past and just then.

The next time Alec came to visit Jace, the younger boy spared himself the humiliation of being dragged to the wall. He just stood up, faced the wall and spread his legs wide, knowing better than to hide. The better access the assaulter got, the less pain - a lesson Jace had learned thoroughly. As soon as Alec was done, he pulled out of Jace and went straight for the door, as usual. Jace was standing motionless, his forehead pressed to the stones in front of him. He gathered enough strength to finally move. He so wished for a blanket to curl under to at least pretend to have a protection around him. But his cell was still completely empty. He pulled his knees high to his chest, resting his back against the cold wall. He didn’t feel the coldness anymore.

Alec stood in front of the cell in the dark and watched the boy. He knew that Jace couldn’t see him so he allowed himself to look, for the first time he really looked at the blond. He tried to call to the anger and hate he had felt when he had first entered the prison, but he failed. There was only a bone-deep tiredness, mixed with shame and guilt. He told himself that Jace had done the same to him, but deep down he knew that it wasn’t true. Yes, Jace had raped him and there was no use in sugarcoating that. But he had never been as brutal as Alec, he had always tried to make it good for him too, that he felt cared for at the same time. So insane that sounded, he knew Jace had never wanted to hurt him. Alec rubbed tiredly at his eyes, surprised to find them wet. He hadn’t cried in a long time, not since the day Izzy had died.

Jace heard the door of the cell open once again. “Want another round?” He asked tonelessly, without looking up. Jace was surprised as he felt Alec sitting down next to him. He turned his head slightly to look at him with a questioning gaze in his eyes. What he saw in those blue eyes, a shade darker than the first day they had met, made him shiver. He saw the turmoil Alec was in, the rage, the shame, the sadness. Without hesitating, he pulled Alec into a tight hug, soothing him with his hands which run small circles over Alec’s back. Alec let Jace pull him close, he let him comfort him like he always had. What is wrong with me, Alec thought. When his breath slowed down and the quiet tears had ebbed, he straightened up again.

For a moment they sat in silence, nearly peacefully.  
“I’m sorry, Jace”  
“I know, Alec, I know.”  
“But you raped me, too”, Alec said in an accusing and simultaneously pleading voice, as if this would somehow justify his actions.  
“Yes, I did, Alec. But you made your own choice. I told you that there is no coming back from that. Don’t blame this decision on me!” Jace hissed sharply.  
Alec averted Jace’s furious look, knowing the blond was right. He had made the choice.  
“You never apologized for it. Why?”  
“Because apologizing always asks for forgiveness. And I don’t think you are ready to forgive me, I don’t think you want to forgive me, Alec, at least not totally. Besides, I am not really sorry. I am truly sorry for what it did to you, for what I did to you, but for me…. It was the best part of my life.” Jace admitted in all honesty. No lies, he stuck to it. Jace slowly shook his head and smiled sadly. “We are so doomed Alec, we were doomed the day we were born. I was born a son of a woman who never held any love for me and a mad man who twisted me in every way possible and you were born gay into a homophobic world who rather sees you burn than live the way you are.”  
Alec just nodded. Jace was right. He had been doomed all along and he had known it. Izzy had been his only fortitude, his lifeline, but without her – what was left?

“So how does it feel being fully on the dark side?” Jace looked at him with a smirk, pulling him out of his thoughts.  
“What do you mean?” Alec replied with a frown. Jace just laughed.  
“Oh come on Alec, not even you can pretend now that your precious Clave are the good guys. You have seen what they did to me, what the Clave have sanctioned. It is interesting that I’m considered too young to be executed but old enough to get gang banged and tortured, day after day. If these are the good guys I really don’t want to meet the bad ones.”  
“If your father wins the war thousands of Downworlders will die. They torture you because they need information.”  
“Oh really, is that so? If I were to give any information, I would have done it days ago. Besides, they have long stopped asking me any questions during the torture. Aldertree just likes the way I scream, I guess. And you know Alec, just because one opponent is evil doesn’t mean the counterpart is good. It just means it is another shade of grey.”  
Alec sighed, he knew he had to stop pretending to fight for the right cause. Apparently there was no right. Just so many wrongs.

“Are you scared, Jace? Scared to turn 18?”  
“Scared of dying you mean? No.” Jace felt his head yanked back as he said that, gasping in surprise.  
“No lies” Alec growled darkly. He had very well caught on that Jace didn’t tell the truth, at least not the whole.  
“I’m not scared of dying. We are Shadowhunters, we don’t grow old anyway. And with Valentine as my father – no, death itself does not scare me. But I’m scared of the after. If THIS is not hell, how is hell then? How much worse will it get?”  
“Sometimes I think that’s just it. The tales from an afterlife are just that, tales. Maybe we’re just done when we die here.”

Alec didn’t know what else to say to comfort him. So instead of elaborating further, he rested his head on Jace's shoulder, letting the blond wrap his arms around him. He had not felt that good in weeks, in months, he had to admit.  
“What happened, Jace? How could I do this to you? To me?”  
“You broke Alec, that’s what happened. When your people abandoned Izzy and left her to die, something inside you broke. Sometimes these things cannot be mended. If she was still alive, she would have been there for you when you returned from the Morning Star. You could have talked to her. About me. What I did to you. That you liked some things I did. That maybe you even liked me. That you hate me and yourself for that. You wouldn’t be here now, Alec. Or did I break you like this?” Jace took Alec’s face gently into his hands, brushing lightly with his thumb over the sharp jawline. “Don’t lie, Alec, was this all my doing?”

A part of Alec wanted to scream yes, but the part who wanted to tell the truth was stronger. “No” he breathed. “You didn’t break me. And yes, I kind of like you. And I hate that.” Alec pulled Jace into a bruising kiss, it was more teeth and biting than anything else. He tasted blood when he bit down on the younger boy’s lip, but he didn’t care. Neither did Jace. He let the older boy dominate his mouth, taking everything the other was giving. When they both needed to breath, they broke their kiss.  
“In another dimension, Izzy is still alive and I am still me” Alec said huskily, referring to a conversation they had had on the Morning Star.  
"In another dimension everything would be different. We would be different. We could be anything, Alec.”

From that night on, Alec came back every day. It was a bit like on the Morning Star, just with reversed roles. Just that Alec couldn’t protect Jace from the others like Jace had done. Alec found new wounds and cuts nearly every day on Jace’s tortured body. The cuts from the first sessions with Aldertree had already scarred, even an Iratze not able to heal the deep wounds fully, each scar being a witness to the pain Jace had had to endure. Alec hated to see the bruises and cuts, not being able to protect Jace. But he hated even more the empty look in Jace’s eyes when the guards had their way with him, the smell of the foreign men still all over his body. Alec knew that Jace was strong and tried to blend it out, but he saw that the constant pain and humiliation got to him. He hated himself that he had added up to it. Whenever he found Jace sitting in the cell with the distant gaze on his face, he made sure to show him how sorry he was, how valuable Jace was to him. He kissed the boy till he was breathless, he sucked and licked at every part of Jace’s skin, caressed every scar on the marvelous body, he claimed his mouth, his cock and his ass till he smelled only himself on Jace again and till the usual glow was back in the beautiful mismatched eyes.

Alec admired how Jace was holding up, that besides all, he did not break. When he asked him if he hoped for this father to come for him, Jace just snorted.  
“You mean my father will show up like the knight in shining armor to come rescue me? Hell no, he would never be that stupid. Besides, I am not a good damsel in distress.” They both laughed at that image. Valentine would never risk being captured just to save Jace. The cause was always more important than people, even if it was his own son. Jace was very well aware of that. Jace lay sprawled out on Alec’s lap comfortably, while explaining to Alec how his father always had set his priorities. He said it matter-of-factly without any hint of self-pity or anger. Alec would never understand Jace completely. How could he feel not enraged? He gently combed the blond’s hair, planting soft kisses on Jace’s temples while the other spoke. They both were so lost in the tender moment, that neither of them heard the three men opening the cell door.

In a world where it was totally fine to torture a 17-teen-year old teenager just for your pleasure and to rape him just for fun, it was altogether not in order to cuddle and show care with a same sex person. He was screwed, Alec knew it instantly. If the three men had come in while he had fucked Jace, probably he would have been fine. No one cared if a prisoner was abused or not – but show that sort of affection? And the scenery he and Jace were in was so intimate, he knew exactly how they looked, despite their harsh environment. They looked like lovers. Even if they weren’t, he was screwed.

Both boys jumped to their feet. Alec was unarmed, a mistake he realized now. Alec was unsure how to handle this situation, if there was a way of handling it at all. The three men smirked, having found the precious son of the Head of the Institute in such a compromising situation made them feel delighted. And aroused. And thus carefree, which was a mistake. They had surrounded Alec, forgetting about Jace who had silently retreated to the back of the cell and stepped a little out of the circle. The Shadowhunters were so focused on Alec, that they didn’t notice it – for them Jace was just a nothing, probably broken long ago by Aldertree and their own acts of humiliation and torture. But Jace was a Morgenstern after all. Not easy to break and for sure no one to let someone hurt what was his. So when one of the men unbuckled his belt, all concentrated and high on what was to come, he took his chance. He jumped forward, pulling the seraph blade from the belt of the man closest to him and sliced his throat in one fluid move. The man fell to the floor without making a noise. Before the others could react, Jace had buried the blade into the back of the second. The third tried to scream, but Alec was faster. He took the man’s head and slammed it into the wall with all his force – the other gave just a muffled sound before sliding to the floor. Jace stepped closer to the man who was bleeding heavily from the head wound Alec had inflicted, his breath already slowing down. Jace stabbed him through the neck anyway, just to be on the safe side.

Both boys were breathing heavily, looking at each other in disbelief and shock. Blood was dripping from Jace’s seraph blade. Both realized at the same time, that Alec was still unarmed while Jace was holding a weapon. Jace hesitated a second and then offered the blade to Alec.  
“You can call for help now and blame everything on me. I’m already on a death sentence anyway.”  
“Fuck them, Jace. Fuck the Clave. I’m so done with everything. Let’s get out of here”. He shoved the blade back to Jace, taking the weapons of the dead men.  
“Or we can do that” Jace laughed. A real laugh this time, bright and maybe a bit maniac. “We can be Bonnie and Clyde”. When he saw the questioning look of Alec, he laughed again. “You Clave Shadowhunters don’t know anything about the mundane world, do you? But well, you can be Romeo then. I’m feeling more like a Capulet anyway right now. Shakespeare you do know, right?”  
Alec could just shake his head in disbelief, nevertheless he couldn’t help but join Jace’s laughter. How could Jace be so unfazed in such a situation? Getting out of the Institute was nearly impossible. When Alec pointed that out, Jace just shrugged and smiled a mischievous smile. “I’m dead anyway in a few weeks Alec. But you, you can still go back. We can still blame me for killing the three assholes. No one needs to know what you have done and what they have seen.” But Alec shook his head. He had made up his mind, probably ages ago without realizing it. “Let’s go.” Jace nodded, his eyes shining in a golden glow Alec had never seen before, promising the fight of his life.

Alec was proven right, it was impossible for them to get out of the Institute. They fought like maniacs, injuring and killing a lot of his former fellow Shadowhunters. Alec couldn’t bring himself to care. These were the same people who would humiliate him and cheer at his de-runing, if they found out he was gay. Unfortunately there were too many of them and they couldn’t reach the exit, instead they were forced to draw back deeper into the Institute. When they were surrounded from all sides, the only way left to flee was upstairs – both fully aware that there was no way of escaping but both not prepared to surrender just yet. When they reached the rooftop, they barricaded the door. It was already dawn, a smooth summer rain was falling from the sky.

They were both panting, exhausted from the fighting and running. But both were also high on adrenaline. Jace stood at the edge of the roof, looking over the lights of New York, taking in the beautiful scenery. He turned around to face Alec, who just stood there and looked at Jace, not bothering with the sight of the city. He pulled the younger boy closer and leaned in, Jace meeting him half way. For the first time, they were sharing a real, mutual kiss as equals, none of them at the mercy of the other. It was intoxicating. Despite the danger they were in, they took their time. They explored their mouths like it was the first time – and in many ways it was. They sucked and licked and bit each other without hesitation or shyness. Jace head flew back and his eyes closed in pleasure when Alec started to suck at his pulse point at the neck, marking him as his in the best way possible. When Alec drew back Jace whimpered slightly at the sudden loss of pressure against him. But when Alec bared his neck to him, he knew what the other boy wanted, a mark of his own. Jace happily complied, biting down at Alec’s nape, his teeth slightly scratching the soft skin till he tasted blood. Tenderly he soothed the spot with his tongue before he started sucking in earnest, to complete his claim on the other boy. They only broke away when they heard the door cracking open.

“In another dimension, we could be anything” Alec repeated Jace’s words, before he took the blond’s hand in his, interlacing their fingers.  
“In another timeline” Jace agreed, giving Alec a feather light kiss on the kiss-swollen, red lips, while stepping closer to the edge.

They jumped in one motion, not letting go of each other. While they were falling the short thought crossed Jace's mind how amazing it would be if they could just spread their wings and fly away. But of course, wings didn’t exist except in fairy tales, so they just fell, finally free for the first time in their lives. Jace didn’t feel the pain when he hit the ground, he didn’t feel the pain when every single bone in his body broke, he didn’t feel the pain when his lungs collapsed. All he could feel was the steady grip of Alec’s hand, who hadn’t let go of him the whole time.

In another world, it really could have been love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok... I really hope you guys don't hate me right now.... Love to hear what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are life :-)


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